Arkansas News: Equine Sex OK… Gay Crap, Not So Much

September 7th, 2009

arkansas-scienceLittle Rock: Since everyone knows you can’t trust politicians anymore — or any adult role models for that matter — the State of Arkansas and the Southern Baptist church, in a surprising stance of unity and church/state collusion, have turned to children to get their message out on same-sex relationships and AIDS.

“AIDS is gross and stuff,” Said 10 year old Emily Jaques at the Little Rock Capitol last Friday.  “Being gay is, like, Obamination and a sin against God.  People need to know the truth because the Bible says ‘Thou shalt not have two Dads.'”

Perhaps the facts are a bit off-kilter, but the message is clear.  To avoid the s0-called ‘Gay Plague,’ it’s not a good idea for sexual contact between two men, two women or any combination of multiple partners that introduces the potential for two people of the same sex to, as Jacques put it, “Touch pee-pee’s and junk.”

Surprisingly, the findings of the recent scientific testing that led to the recruitment of child-spokespeople, sex with horses is ok.  On this, Little Emily Jacques rolls her eyes.  “This IS America after all!”

Rural deviants nationwide await the news on whether relations with Sheep, cattle or other domesticated animals increases the likelihood of falling into clutches of the “Gay Plague.”

September 1st, 2009

beanieNew York:  A security guard at the George Washington Bridge, which connects New York City and New Jersey, was caught sleeping on the job, according to the Cliffview Pilot.

WTF: ATTENTION HOMELAND SECURITY!!!!  Aww fuck it, nevermind… we’re screwed.

A security guard at the George Washington Bridge, which connects New York City and New Jersey, was caught sleeping on the job, according to the Cliffview Pilot.

Indian Space Race Heats Up With Launch

September 1st, 2009

india_in_spaceDelhi: Indian officials have claimed victory in their race to the moon as their latest spacecraft, Kali Mata IV orbited the moon almost one continuous time before being lost to radio contact.  While this milestone may be less than stellar by other contries’ standards, for India it marks an unprecedented level of success and stokes the nation’s collective quest for space.  “This is stupendous!” beamed Rhing Pating Singh, who spoke on condition of anonymity.  “We have a billion people in our country; many people who wish to conquer the stars.  So unless we run out of raw materials, we shall not run out of astronauts to man these missions.  Previously we had calamities which boggle the mind.  We had rockets blow up in factories, on the launch pad, you name it!  One rocket even blew up before we even started building it!  But this… this is true progress.”

The Kali Mata IV which was built to resemble the Hindu God for which it was named, was an engineering marvel even NASA could take note of, according to Singh.  “The so-called ‘Space Shuttle’ only has one robotic arm.  The Kali Mata IV had four robotic arms, with fingers!  Oh, the things we could do with that craft, had we thought about it before sending her to the moon.”   The Indian people were especially proud of the ?????????? ???? or “chicken arm” which, according to Singh, was used for “many interesting purposes.”

Not to be outdone, Kali Mata V is already on the drawing table.  “If it doesn’b blow up,” Says Singh, “We expect to shoot it right off the launchpad into the sky.”  The Kali Mata V is rumored to be designed to feature airbags.

Error in Judgement Becomes Major Opportunity

August 31st, 2009
peeweebrown

Chris Brown's highly publicized assault case could lead to the revitalization of a major children's television show.

Since the highly publicized assault of his former girlfriend, Pop Sensation Rihanna, Chris Brown’s career has taken a full-spin spiral toward the earth and it looked like the free-fall might be the end of him.  The end that is until Brown met an old friend, Paul Rubin.

Rubin, who has had some legal and ethical troubles of his own, is no longer able to continue his award winning Children’s show, “Pee Wee’s Playhouse,” but after seeing Brown’s get-up on CNN’s Larry King Live over the weekend, Rubin discovered that the premature ending of his hit show maybe wasn’t a guarantee after all.

Rubin and Brown have held ‘substantive talks’ over the last two days with Rubin saying privately that some ‘significant progress has been made toward revitalizing the Playhouse.

Keep your browser tuned here for all the latest news on this exciting hollywood match-made-in-heaven!

More Evidence Jackson Lives!

August 31st, 2009
This photo clearly shows Michael Jackson among the attendees at the recent funeral of Senator Ted Kennedy.  Several witnesses came forward stating Jackson showed up at the graveside service thinly disguised as a woman.  This is the only known picture showing Jackson among the mourners.

This photo clearly shows Michael Jackson among the attendees at the recent funeral of Senator Ted Kennedy. Several witnesses came forward stating Jackson showed up at the graveside service thinly disguised as a woman. This is the only known picture showing Jackson among the mourners.

Arlington, VA:  More evidence surfaced over the weekend that Michael Jackson’s death may in fact be a sham.  First was the cell phone video that surfaced Friday on Youtube.  This video, clearly showing Jackson hopping out of the Coroner’s van at the Los Angeles County morgue went viral instantly, with millions of views world-wide and a dubious yet open-minded following that grew by the minute.  Grew that is, until the ‘news’ broke that the video might be a scam.  Ambienista.com reporters have discovered that the so-called German debunkers were none other than Oswald & Murphy, the publicity firm strongly believed to have assisted Jackson in staging his own death.

Saturday brought even more evidence that Jackson is still among us as dozens of mourners attending the grave-side service for Senator Ted Kennedy at Arlington National Cemetery reported a ‘thinly disguised woman in a Catholic School outfit’.  Only one photo of this mysterious  mourner has surfaced.  The photograph, presented exclusively to Ambienista.com, clearly shows a character meeting the description above.  Digital enhancement of the ‘woman’s’ face shows it to indeed be Michael Jackson.

“Everyone knows Michael was an ardent supporter of Senator Kennedy.”  An anonymous Kennedy friend stated this morning.  “If he faked his own death, it’s surprising he would pick this funeral to show himself, but we know Teddy would appreciate the fact Jacko made it to the funeral service.”

Ambienista.com will continue to closely follow this breaking news and, as always, bring it to you first!