Inhaling Helium OK, But In Moderation

September 14th, 2009
College students be warned, inhaling or "huffing" helium can be dangerous if not done in moderation.  Over indulgance can lead to inflation, levitation and ultimately death.

College students be warned, inhaling or "huffing" helium can be dangerous if not done in moderation. Over indulgance can lead to inflation, levitation and ultimately death.

Denver:  If you’re planning a trip to the mile high city, you’d better take it easy on the helium.  That’s the gist of the message released earlier today from the Denver Chamber of Commerce.  Students living and vacationing in the area frequently enjoy inhaling or “huffing” the gas, which in even small doses causes the vocal cords to constrict, causing a high-pitched, “munchkin-esque” vocal quality.

“It’s all fun to make your voice all freakish and so on,”  Said a member of the Denver Chamber.  “But if you huff too much of that garbage you’ll inflate yourself and just float away.”

Seems like a far-fetched idea, but several college students did just that recently as they huffed “enough helium to choke a donkey.”  The students’ heads inflated and two of them briefly left the ground as they cried out in voices so high-pitched only local dogs responded.

“It was a lucky break I had my pellet pistol.” said Peace Officer Jacob Banger.  “While I mighta discharged my pistol-taser four times before I realized it wasn’t the pellet pistol, a couple well-placed pellets saved the day without really hurting anybody.”

A small child inadvertently jolted with 10,000 volts from an errant taser discharge, was treated and released from Denver Mercy hospital.

Victim Admits, Straw House “Not such a good idea.”

September 14th, 2009
Lester Pigg, shown here previous to the home invasion attack which left his home destroyed, spoke out Monday for the first time since the attack.

Lester Pigg, shown here previous to the home invasion which left his home destroyed, spoke out Monday for the first time since the attack.

“In hindsight,” Said Lester Pigg, victim of a recent multiple home invasion attack, “I should have probably listened to my cousin Edgar and used bricks.”  In his first public statement since the attack which left his home in pieces and a town deeply divided, Lester Pigg spoke more about his own failure to properly protect himself than of the heinous crime perpetrated against himself and his half-brother Wing-o.

Lupus Wolfe, 24, has been formerly charged in the brazen attack on three homes, two of which were completely destroyed.  The home invasion, said to have originated in a dispute over a woman, came as a shock to the town, which has seen a long period of peace since the disappearance twelve years ago of Hans Kraus’s children Hansel and Gretyl.

“One minute I’m watching ‘America’s Got Talent,'” Said Pigg.  “The next thing I know, there’s all this huffing and puffing and my  house is just… gone!  Then this dude with very big eyes and large teeth came in and just started beating me unmerciful!”

The scene was allegedly repeated at Wing-o Pigg’s home a short time later.  “Wing-o is such a nice gentleman,” Said a witness to the crime who described herself only as ‘Grandma.’  “He worked so hard with those sticks… he built such a beautiful house, only to have it all ruined.  And such a beating he took!

The third home invasion at the home of Edgar Swine, cousin of Lester and Wing-o, was unsuccessful.  While the investigation is still ongoing, a town constable has stated off the record that the third invasion may have been thwarted due to ‘a less retarded use of building materials.’

Nostra-D’Ambien Prediction for 14 September 2009

September 14th, 2009

kanyewestNews Story:  Kanye West steals the stage and the microphone during live MTV Music Awards and, in front of the winner, claims Beyonce should have won.

Nostra-D’Ambien Predicts:  I see three things for Kanye’s future:   a crack pipe, footprints in a flowerbed and a new alarm system in the Knowles household.

On the NEXT Jerry!

September 8th, 2009


BREAKING NEWS: Clinton’s Tanzania Trip Cut Short due to.. RABIES?!

September 8th, 2009


Secretary of State Hilary Clinton is reportedly receiving treatments at an undisclosed location tonight after staffers believed she might be suffering from the effects of rabies.  Early, unsubstantiated reports from the crew of her airplane stated that she was acting erratically, drinking water by the liter and, just not being herself at all.

“The take off was routine.  The first part of the flight was routine.”  Said a press reporter who spoke on condition of anonymity.  It was a long flight.  The Secretary of State usually comes in toward the first leg of a long flight and has a quick conversation for the cameras, then it’s pretty much laid back chit chat and off the record discussions.  It’s always very chill.

But this night was anything but chill.  “She came out in this pink business suit.. we’re all familiar with it — its one of her favorites.  She’s got something all over the front of it .. looked like yogurt or mushed up banana or something.. and so instead of just taking a spot up front, she started careening up and down the aisles yelling something.. I’m not really sure what it was, but it sounded like “CHIT CHIT CHIT CHITTITTITTER CHIT CHIT CHIT!!” Something like that.. really high pitched and whiny.

The pressman was surprised enough, but not nearly ready for what happened next.   “She slides up to teh end of the hallway ansd starts spiking up and playing with her hair.. and yelling ‘hey ‘hey… I’m Conan Effin’ Obrien!!!’, Only she didn’t say ‘effen’.  And she had her hair all up like he does and she was bouncing around and telling stupid jokes about why men don’t have penises or some such.. it really wasn’t funny like O’brien.  I mean, it was funneir than Leno, but she really doesn’t have the chin to pull that one off and .. well it just wasn’t funny no matter how funny Conan is.”

hilary1Only a few photos were taken of the hyjinx.  Most were demanded of the press corp by Secret Service aboard the plane.  A few did get out, like this one which caught her full chitter,  halfway through her impromptu Late Night monolog which had many four letter words and a bunch of scatalogical terms smattered recklessly throughout.

“Right now we think it’s rabies,” said a female attendant on the plane.  “Not because we think that’s what it really might turn out to be, but because she’s acting really weird, you know like rabid raccoons do when they got rabies.  They jump up in the air and start to bite themselves.. and roll around and fight themselves.  We half expected the Madam Secretary to start doing that at any moment”

We of course will have more on this story as it develops.