The Ambienista

This shower curtain allegedly caused 9 year old Jimmy Heffernen to have a massive seizure which 'scared the bejesus' out of his family.

Aurora, Kansas:  When Misty Heffernen brought home the new shower curtain, she thought it would go well with the decor in the bathroom.  She didn’t expect the reception she received however as the decorative addition turned her whole life upside down.

“First thing you know, ” Heffernen recounted recently, “I put the shower curtain up and the dog came in and yacked all over the whole floor.  He almost never does that!”

If that had been the end of the curtain-related problems things would have probably worked out eventually, but the next event shook the entire Heffernen family to their core.

“My son Jimmy comes into the bathroom and just freezes.  Then, before we even knew what was going on, he just fell to the floor and started flopping around like a carp.”

Medical testing indicated that young Jimmy Heffernen had had a massive seizure which was, in the opinion of his doctors, brought on by the shower curtain.

“There is very little else we can pin this on.”  Dr. John Stooge said of the frightening seizure.  “I mean, that was one hideous shower curtain.  Even for a trailer!

At the insistence of her extended family, Misty Heffernen, a single mother of four, has brought suit against the home fashion store where she bought the shower curtain.  The court papers obtained exclusively by Ambienista.com claim that the store, Krazy Kraft and Kurtain, should have known better than to sell such a hideous bathroom curtain.

“Who is going to protect us?”  Heffernen said tearfully Monday from outside the courthouse in Aurora.  “When we innocently go into a store to buy something, we expect that store to take some responsibility for what they sell.  They’re the experts in home decorating.  They should have stopped me from making such a huge mistake.  My bathroom is white and beige for God sake!”

Attorney Keven Kerry, representing Krazy Kraft and Kurtain, did not return our calls for comment.

An angry President Obama says "STOP" to the press

It started as a joke at the regular press corp open house meetings hosted by President Barack Obama.  When the Commander-in-Chief entered the room, the press would stand and the quiet crooning would begin: “Bama Bama O-Bama, Banana-fana Fo-Fama, Fee-fi Mo-Mamma… Obama.”  Seemed simple enough at first, and a good time seemed to be had by all, but last Friday’s meeting turned out to be the last sing-along as the President insisted, angrily that he had had enough and never really liked the singing in the first place.

“We were surprised.”  Said Andrew Wanker of the Columbus Daily News.  “He always seemed to have a sense of humor, but suddenly he just snapped.”  The disappointment was shared by most.  “It’s a silly song,” Said Wanker.  “But it was hella fun to sing all together!”

Camp Chippowa:  Unruly kids beware, starting Monday the crucifictions begin.  “Parents leave their kids here for the summer without a care in the world as to what we have to deal with.”  Camp counseler Mark Fink said during a recent press junket to the lakeside camp.  “We try everything we know in order to get them in line, but every year we end up doing something of biblical proportion.”

Rumor has it that this will be the first year crucificitions will be used as a disciplinary measure at Chippowa.   Last year’s controversial ‘Amphitheater Stonings’ left four conselors seriously injured when the unruly children interrupted the ritual by picking up the larger, sharper rocks and hurling them back.

“This’ll be a dry run.” Fink said, “But let’s see those little brats throw stones with their hands nailed to a four-by.”