SUPER GLUE AND SEA TURTLES DO NOT MIX
Archive for the ‘News’ Category
Wheeling: Dr. Carol Whitbocker had only one thing to say about the dozens of protesters assembled in front of her Dyslexia and Reading Disorders clinic on North Main Street. The protesters, angry over being cut loose from the Doctor’s popular program, had taken up residency in front of her office early in the morning and had still not left by late in the afternoon.
“I had to cut them loose,” Whitbocker said, exasperated. “It turned out none of them was dyslexic… They are all just plain stupid.” Shaking her head and pointing out the lightly frosted front window of the office, she added. “Just look!”
Denver: If you’re planning a trip to the mile high city, you’d better take it easy on the helium. That’s the gist of the message released earlier today from the Denver Chamber of Commerce. Students living and vacationing in the area frequently enjoy inhaling or “huffing” the gas, which in even small doses causes the vocal cords to constrict, causing a high-pitched, “munchkin-esque” vocal quality.
“It’s all fun to make your voice all freakish and so on,” Said a member of the Denver Chamber. “But if you huff too much of that garbage you’ll inflate yourself and just float away.”
Seems like a far-fetched idea, but several college students did just that recently as they huffed “enough helium to choke a donkey.” The students’ heads inflated and two of them briefly left the ground as they cried out in voices so high-pitched only local dogs responded.
“It was a lucky break I had my pellet pistol.” said Peace Officer Jacob Banger. “While I mighta discharged my pistol-taser four times before I realized it wasn’t the pellet pistol, a couple well-placed pellets saved the day without really hurting anybody.”
A small child inadvertently jolted with 10,000 volts from an errant taser discharge, was treated and released from Denver Mercy hospital.
“In hindsight,” Said Lester Pigg, victim of a recent multiple home invasion attack, “I should have probably listened to my cousin Edgar and used bricks.” In his first public statement since the attack which left his home in pieces and a town deeply divided, Lester Pigg spoke more about his own failure to properly protect himself than of the heinous crime perpetrated against himself and his half-brother Wing-o.
Lupus Wolfe, 24, has been formerly charged in the brazen attack on three homes, two of which were completely destroyed. The home invasion, said to have originated in a dispute over a woman, came as a shock to the town, which has seen a long period of peace since the disappearance twelve years ago of Hans Kraus’s children Hansel and Gretyl.
“One minute I’m watching ‘America’s Got Talent,'” Said Pigg. “The next thing I know, there’s all this huffing and puffing and my house is just… gone! Then this dude with very big eyes and large teeth came in and just started beating me unmerciful!”
The scene was allegedly repeated at Wing-o Pigg’s home a short time later. “Wing-o is such a nice gentleman,” Said a witness to the crime who described herself only as ‘Grandma.’ “He worked so hard with those sticks… he built such a beautiful house, only to have it all ruined. And such a beating he took!
The third home invasion at the home of Edgar Swine, cousin of Lester and Wing-o, was unsuccessful. While the investigation is still ongoing, a town constable has stated off the record that the third invasion may have been thwarted due to ‘a less retarded use of building materials.’