Archive for September, 2009

On the NEXT Jerry!

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009


BREAKING NEWS: Clinton’s Tanzania Trip Cut Short due to.. RABIES?!

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009


Secretary of State Hilary Clinton is reportedly receiving treatments at an undisclosed location tonight after staffers believed she might be suffering from the effects of rabies.  Early, unsubstantiated reports from the crew of her airplane stated that she was acting erratically, drinking water by the liter and, just not being herself at all.

“The take off was routine.  The first part of the flight was routine.”  Said a press reporter who spoke on condition of anonymity.  It was a long flight.  The Secretary of State usually comes in toward the first leg of a long flight and has a quick conversation for the cameras, then it’s pretty much laid back chit chat and off the record discussions.  It’s always very chill.

But this night was anything but chill.  “She came out in this pink business suit.. we’re all familiar with it — its one of her favorites.  She’s got something all over the front of it .. looked like yogurt or mushed up banana or something.. and so instead of just taking a spot up front, she started careening up and down the aisles yelling something.. I’m not really sure what it was, but it sounded like “CHIT CHIT CHIT CHITTITTITTER CHIT CHIT CHIT!!” Something like that.. really high pitched and whiny.

The pressman was surprised enough, but not nearly ready for what happened next.   “She slides up to teh end of the hallway ansd starts spiking up and playing with her hair.. and yelling ‘hey ‘hey… I’m Conan Effin’ Obrien!!!’, Only she didn’t say ‘effen’.  And she had her hair all up like he does and she was bouncing around and telling stupid jokes about why men don’t have penises or some such.. it really wasn’t funny like O’brien.  I mean, it was funneir than Leno, but she really doesn’t have the chin to pull that one off and .. well it just wasn’t funny no matter how funny Conan is.”

hilary1Only a few photos were taken of the hyjinx.  Most were demanded of the press corp by Secret Service aboard the plane.  A few did get out, like this one which caught her full chitter,  halfway through her impromptu Late Night monolog which had many four letter words and a bunch of scatalogical terms smattered recklessly throughout.

“Right now we think it’s rabies,” said a female attendant on the plane.  “Not because we think that’s what it really might turn out to be, but because she’s acting really weird, you know like rabid raccoons do when they got rabies.  They jump up in the air and start to bite themselves.. and roll around and fight themselves.  We half expected the Madam Secretary to start doing that at any moment”

We of course will have more on this story as it develops.

Arkansas News: Equine Sex OK… Gay Crap, Not So Much

Monday, September 7th, 2009

arkansas-scienceLittle Rock: Since everyone knows you can’t trust politicians anymore — or any adult role models for that matter — the State of Arkansas and the Southern Baptist church, in a surprising stance of unity and church/state collusion, have turned to children to get their message out on same-sex relationships and AIDS.

“AIDS is gross and stuff,” Said 10 year old Emily Jaques at the Little Rock Capitol last Friday.  “Being gay is, like, Obamination and a sin against God.  People need to know the truth because the Bible says ‘Thou shalt not have two Dads.'”

Perhaps the facts are a bit off-kilter, but the message is clear.  To avoid the s0-called ‘Gay Plague,’ it’s not a good idea for sexual contact between two men, two women or any combination of multiple partners that introduces the potential for two people of the same sex to, as Jacques put it, “Touch pee-pee’s and junk.”

Surprisingly, the findings of the recent scientific testing that led to the recruitment of child-spokespeople, sex with horses is ok.  On this, Little Emily Jacques rolls her eyes.  “This IS America after all!”

Rural deviants nationwide await the news on whether relations with Sheep, cattle or other domesticated animals increases the likelihood of falling into clutches of the “Gay Plague.”

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

beanieNew York:  A security guard at the George Washington Bridge, which connects New York City and New Jersey, was caught sleeping on the job, according to the Cliffview Pilot.

WTF: ATTENTION HOMELAND SECURITY!!!!  Aww fuck it, nevermind… we’re screwed.

A security guard at the George Washington Bridge, which connects New York City and New Jersey, was caught sleeping on the job, according to the Cliffview Pilot.

Indian Space Race Heats Up With Launch

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

india_in_spaceDelhi: Indian officials have claimed victory in their race to the moon as their latest spacecraft, Kali Mata IV orbited the moon almost one continuous time before being lost to radio contact.  While this milestone may be less than stellar by other contries’ standards, for India it marks an unprecedented level of success and stokes the nation’s collective quest for space.  “This is stupendous!” beamed Rhing Pating Singh, who spoke on condition of anonymity.  “We have a billion people in our country; many people who wish to conquer the stars.  So unless we run out of raw materials, we shall not run out of astronauts to man these missions.  Previously we had calamities which boggle the mind.  We had rockets blow up in factories, on the launch pad, you name it!  One rocket even blew up before we even started building it!  But this… this is true progress.”

The Kali Mata IV which was built to resemble the Hindu God for which it was named, was an engineering marvel even NASA could take note of, according to Singh.  “The so-called ‘Space Shuttle’ only has one robotic arm.  The Kali Mata IV had four robotic arms, with fingers!  Oh, the things we could do with that craft, had we thought about it before sending her to the moon.”   The Indian people were especially proud of the ?????????? ???? or “chicken arm” which, according to Singh, was used for “many interesting purposes.”

Not to be outdone, Kali Mata V is already on the drawing table.  “If it doesn’b blow up,” Says Singh, “We expect to shoot it right off the launchpad into the sky.”  The Kali Mata V is rumored to be designed to feature airbags.