I know I am an adult. I know I should be able to get past this, but I can’t. The Burger King is about the closest thing yet to crowd out Ambien and take over my blissfully sleeping mind. I don’t want it. I don’t like it. King, won’t you just STOP!? Wasn’t it frightening enough when he was riding bicycles with unsuspecting children, climbing sky scrapers and plucking people out of their otherwise secure abodes? And now he’s pulling pranks on people IN THEIR HOUSES, WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING. Fuckers are killing me!
And while we’re at it.. what about some of the other things I find to be equally creepy (or damn close!) Tread lightly here, very wicked and frightening things follow:
Monkeys. All monkeys. Doesn’t matter what kind. They are very much like humans, only they are evil. Evil and with very sharp teeth. Chris Griffin has one in his bedroom closet. That one is on Chris… it’s a cartoon, so I feel safe. As long as no land bridge appears between Upstate NY and the nearest monkey lair, I suppose I won’t worry too much about monkeys attacking my personal space. The climate IS changing however, so I may lose sleep worrying about whether these fangy little lab test pin cushions and their inevitable approach…
Ah, yes.. Ketchup. It is pure, pure evil. Red like blood and the eyes of the devil. If you ingest it there is little or no way to recompense. Dude, you have really messed up. And the ketchup desciples put it on EVERYTHING. French fries (OH MY GOD!), eggs (gag), you name it.. the evil has a firm hold on the world, especially on America. We are doomed.
Once in a while it’s ok on a hamburger.
And finally — the best or worst for last: Clowns. Look at their lifeless, dull eyes. The grease painted smile is a rictus of anger and malevolent violance, just brewing beneath the surface. Let your kid get a balloon animal from him … sure, go ahead! Odds the next time you see the little tyke he’ll be in the nearest morgue with rubber ligature marks the most obvious marker of the killer clown’s latest balloon animal murdering spree victim. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. All clowns have an unbreakable allegiance with the devil.
Except this one time I went out with a clown who had really nice tits. She was fun to look at. But still, I believe she was using her breasts to seduce me (but now how you think).